Holidaying at home means that you are there when the local gala is on. And while we've all been away in Spain at the village fiesta, or in France at the fete, the good old British gala has been suffering.

Britain is having a float crisis. Not a lack of cash – well, not in this instance – but rather, no one has the time, or the imagination, to do the floats for the gala-day parade.

Earlier in the month I was on a weekend trip – a mini-break at home – to Dumfriesshire, which coincided with the village's gala. From a cafe we all watched. "There are only two floats," came the lament. This was not to reduce the carbon footprint of the festival. It's a question of who has the time to be on a float, when it's so hard to stay afloat?

It's not only the lack of floaters that's an issue. Another recent parade I attended had three floats: one featured a giant Marilyn Monroe, another had Elvis, the third had Mickey Mouse. It was confirmation, in papier mache, of the Americanisation of British culture.

So Britain needs floaters. And I have solutions. To increase the number of floats quickly, what about Floats-To-Go? These would be drive-in costume hire outlets, where you could lease a pre-decorated float, with themed costumes, so on the morning of the gala all you'd need to do is pick it up.

But a longer term boost to galas is also required. National service is often touted, but what about local service, where young people have to spend a year working on local galas? The organising committee is usually run like a military operation.

And to preserve national pride, Alex Salmond might launch the Scottish Float Convention Committee. It would recommend floating themes, avoiding old stalwarts of Scottishness like a Burns float – as 'papier mache' haggis might be open to misinterpretation – and avoiding floating depictions of more recent stars of the Scottish scene, for a Franz Ferdinand float would have gala-day crowds going: "What's that one?" The Float Convention Committee might instead float laterally, perhaps suggesting a wildlife float, with floaters dressed as deer and Highland cattle. These costumes might be slightly warm for August, but probably not.

One thing that will always count against galas is the weather, and I have no solution for that. There is, I believe, a council by-law that says it must rain on gala days, as it did in the Dumfriesshire village I visited. The marquee almost started to float, which would, I suppose, have swollen the parade.

Year of the Ugg boot?

EVERYONE has been asking: will China be changed by the Olympics? It's more likely to be changed by Topshop, then dressed by them and changed again. Sir Philip Green, Topshop owner, is said to be looking at renting space in Shanghai's Superbrand Mall. After that, there could be Topshop Beijing, then Hong Kong, all targeting the pocket yuan of the new middle-class Chinese teenager. Any Topshop presence will be launched by Kate Moss who, according to an industry insider – a leak from puffball skirt HQ – China regards as the "coolest person on the planet". If you think you've seen Olympic competition this week, wait till Chinese female rivalry commences to be she who most resembles Moss. And what Kate wears, China will inevitably copy. As their culture often names the new year after a revered small furry creature, the Year of the Ugg boot is imminent.

• Repeated references to blue-riband events in the Olympics made me wonder about a certain retro biscuit.

The Blue Riband was launched in the 1930s – one from the first batch is still in my local corner shop – and with such venerable credentials why, then, did they not approach China to ask if they could sponsor the Olympics? It seems a natural association. Perhaps they did.

China may have been put off this proposal by Nestlé's sister biscuit, the Breakaway. Georgia had the rose revolution. China may have feared the chocolate revolution. The Breakaway could have become the national biscuit of Tibet.